— Shiri Eisner, Bi: Notes for a Bisexual Revolution, p.159 (via hachikuji)
I don’t love anybody and nobody loves me. I mean this quite literally. It’s strange. It’s sad and liberating at the same time. I also no longer crave any type of affection. I don’t want a relationship. I don’t want somebody to tell me that they love me, that I set their soul on fire, that thinking about me makes them happy. I don’t want to be held or cuddled or told I’m beautiful. I get sick at the thought of any of these things. I am dispensable. I will never be these things to anybody and nobody will ever be these things to me. I belong very deeply to myself. I still want to fuck people. I still want to have friends to go to nice places with. I still want to have fun. I still want to feel like others enjoy my company. But I don’t want emotion or affection or unnecessary attention. I don’t want to break down in front of someone and have them hold me while I cry. I want don’t anybody to try to comfort me. I don’t even want to speak to people about what I’m going through. I don’t think I’ve ever gone for a period of time this long without love but going through it has made me accept that this is what my life is like now. I used to obsess over people- I’d fool myself into thinking they were the answer to me feeling better. I placed so much value on keeping them in my life because I felt like they could fix things I wouldn’t have been able to. But seriously now, I will never be worthy of receiving love or even “proper friendship”, and I will never be able to reciprocate it. AND THATS SERIOUSLY OKAY. I don’t have expectations. I don’t buy into relationship cliches. I have reached a level of emotional unavailability and indifference I didn’t even think was possible.
Praise it, Blaze it.
Oh my god
I am the most horrible person ever ever ever ever ever ever ever. All I do is fuck things up. I fucked things up for my parents. I fucked up everything else on top of that. I am a genuinely bad person in too many ways to even count.
I’ve been crying since 3 this morning and it’s almost 10am now I literally want to die okay
During the week it’s pretty standard.
Breakfast: Black coffee
Lunch: 1 Provita cracker with Marmite
Supper: 1 apple
If I’m 100% sure I’m gonna pass out I’ll have a spoon of honey. Sometimes I’ll eat carrots, low fat yoghurt, tomatoes or celery.