I used to get very, very angry over how ignorant I perceived the people around me to be. I’m finding I don’t get as angry anymore. I feel confused more than anything else. I battle fathoming how people have gotten to the point in their lives where they so openly promote ideas of hate and discrimination. I start thinking “what happened to this person when they were younger?” or “what environment were they in for the majority of their lives?” or “who influenced their ideas the most?”, and I can never properly answer these questions, but I do find that I feel a lot less angry towards ignorant people and a lot more confused, fascinated and even weirdly empathetic. I don’t want to say it’s because I think I’ve learned to see things from others’ perspectives because that’s something I’m still trying (and failing) to do, and also because this has nothing to do with understanding their point of view- I don’t understand their point of view at all. I feel so confused exactly because I don’t understand their point of view. Yet I find something calming and reassuring in the fact that people’s reasons for being the way they are lie very much outside my subjective realm of understanding.
there are a lot of people who want things from one another, who want to take parts of each other and claim them as their own. it’s draining, like you’re being hollowed out slowly, slowly, burned out and carved into a boat for their use. but there are few people, there are a handful of people who i have met in this life, who i have loved and who have loved me so symbiotically. it’s not a matter of who i am drawn to. to build a criteria for my ideal whatever would be to narrow the choices down to what i know, and leave out all the rest of what i have to learn, what i have yet to see in a person. but passion. passion! the terrible and wonderful desire to be bigger than oneself, to leave a mark, however small, on this earth. i love those who are always running, who are full of movement, who appreciate those empty streets at five a.m., those who i can call up for an adventure and they’re always down. bring me to your beautiful places. to your mountain peaks. to the places you grew up. and let me do the same for you, and understand that it’s important, all of it, not so much the stories that we tell each other but the ways we tell them, the ways we move together, yes. fucking dance with me, dude. climb to the top of things with me and see what kind of open sky we can find together. find meaning in everything, and i’ll love you. i’m not very good at people. i mean, in a very shallow plane i am. i’m good at instant things, good at touch-and-go, at making a brief and wonderful impact and then running the other way, laughing, but there are those who get it, and who will stand still with me in a moment and just look out, together, at this world, and it’s like, sometimes you meet a person and you can just feel it, this connection between the two of you. like the air between you is thicker in a way. it makes me so nervous and i crave it, i crave it endlessly. it’s happened a lot lately, and i’m grateful for it. and you can’t explain it, really, but you feel it in your heart so deeply that it must be real, right? there are so many kinds of people in this world, so many colors of humans that i have yet to experience. i fill my life with people whose colors eddy with mine in such a way that we create a new color between us, a color that can’t be replicated with any other. good people, kind people, hardworking who are in tune with the pulse of things, who can talk me into a frenzy, who don’t shy away from their hurt, but who let it deepen their sense of being, who will look me in the eye without either of us turning away. the crazy ones. the ones who make me shy. the ones who make me small and then large, who stretch my boundaries. the ones who are so loved, but so difficult to understand. the ones who are not afraid to tell me i’m wrong, who will fight for what they believe in, who will not let me walk all over them, because i can. i have been dehumanized - and so many of you have been dehumanized by people who think of us as ideas instead of flesh, who aren’t willing to look at the same stone from a different angle. keep it real. keep it real with me, and if we can create new stories together instead of just retelling the ones of our past, if we can move through our ideas and put them into action, if we can move, together, then yes. you are in my heart. you are in my heart, you are.