Warpaint » Undertow
Your brown eyes are my blue skies, they light up the rivers that the birds fly over.
My body is so angry with me.
Fever, food poisoning, ulcers, anaemia, vomiting food, vomiting liquid, vomiting bile, vomiting blood, headaches, muscle spasms, restless legs, vivid nightmares, 2kgs lost a day.
My body’s fucking pissed off.
And while I’m busy ranting, can I just add that I hate the “Real men like curves, only dogs go for bones” argument every bit as much as I hate the “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” argument. You can all go fuck yourselves. You’re a bunch of insensitive, judgemental twats if you’re on either side/extreme. We should start accepting that everyone’s body is different and stop trying to let it define someone’s beauty.
So I’m basically “technically” underweight now, I fit into small and extra small jeans (us size 2-4) and I have a spine that sticks out like crazy. Had what felt like food poisoning this weekend which I secretly enjoyed because it made me lose even more weight. GUESS WHAT THOUGH? I’m not even the least bit happy or happier.
If you are going to base your ENTIRE self worth on your weight, you will end up unhappy. Actually, let me rephrase that: if you are going to base your ENTIRE self worth on one thing, be it a person, a drug, an ideal weight, a substance, a material object etc- you will end up unhappy.
Feeling good about yourself starts within yourself. Sure, doing nice things for yourself and buying things you like and feeling loved and being healthy all contribute to your happiness, but if you’re feeling bad about yourself to start with, one thing isn’t magically going to fix it all.
Stop thinking you’ll be okay if that one specific guy starts loving you back. Go fucking love yourself instead. Stop thinking you’ll be okay if you get to a low BMI. There are healthier ways to do things than to starve your body of essential nutrition. Stop thinking you’ll be okay if people started liking you more. Their opinion isn’t in your control.
I’ve learned my lesson the extremely hard way over the past 10 years of my life.
Your primary relationship in life will ALWAYS be the relationship you share with yourself. Your relationship with people and objects is merely a projection of the relationship you have with yourself.
And I get that it’s really easy to be caught up in hating yourself because society essentially fuels these thoughts, but self-hatred becomes habitual, and then destructive and I’ve had my entire life ripped apart by it.
It’s not too late to start loving yourself. Do it now. Do it before self-hatred becomes the ruling force in your life. Do it because you are worthy of it. Do it because you deserve it.
DO IT FOR YOURSELF.
I can fit into the same jeans I used to wear when I was 13. I’m too excited.