For a while I thought my capacity to love was too great. I was able to assign enormous value to people and feel completely reliant on them to feel at peace with myself.
Then for a while I thought that my capacity to love had been completely compromised. I was incapable of assigning value to people whatsoever and I never wanted to be reliant on anybody for anything.
Now I’m starting to realise that I don’t want to be loved or cared for nearly as much as I want to be saved. And as overwhelming as this desire is, I’m finding that only certain people are able to fulfil this desire.
I want to be in the type of relationship that when I say “I love you” what I actually mean to say is that I want to be able to unravel your skin and wear it as my own. I want to feel understood without ever needing to speak a word. I want words to be so insufficient in relaying emotions that I rely on touch to understand that you care. I don’t want cliche upon cliche. I rather want you to be able to brush your palm against my cheek or squeeze my fingers in your sleep in such a way that my entire body unfurls under your fingertips. I want intimacy that exists beyond words or explanations. Everything in my life has started to feel tedious but at the same time forced and draining. I want to be with somebody in a way that feels completely natural. I can’t remember the last time it didn’t feel like I was permanently walking on knives or swallowing shards of glass. I can’t remember the last time something didn’t make me feel anxious or uncomfortable. Unless I find somebody with who nothing feels as tense, I don’t think I could date somebody again. I don’t think I could assign value or emotion to them. Yes, it’s definitely self-destructive to want to be with somebody solely to heal my own broken bones and heart. But I’m relieved I’m starting to be more careful with who I assign value to. I “loved” a lot of people who were incapable of understanding me even one bit, and it’s comforting to realise I won’t settle for that again. My time and energy are precious and I can’t spend it on meaningless or superficial interactions and relationships. If I’m going to be destroyed by the next person I love I at least want them to be someone magical. Maybe being okay with the prospect of loving somebody again or even being touched by somebody again is a big step forward in itself. Maybe the prospect of just being able to be vulnerable again is a big step forward given how I haven’t allowed myself to be vulnerable in years.
I started school again today and it was awful BUT I literally only have 11 weeks of school left then I am done forever. I can move out of this town. I can start a new life with new people either studying or working and doing what I like, going where I like and living in my own house filled with my own things. I know it’s not going to be easy or perfect or even okay overnight, but it is going to be better in a number of ways. I’ve felt overwhelmingly trapped in my situation for several years, and being able to leave is going to help with that constant overwhelmingly feeling. I’m not scared to be alone or independent- there’s nothing more I want. I’ve always been alone and dealing with very adult ideas and situations for a long time now. Moving just means I get to fully be my own person in full charge of my decisions. I refuse to accept that what I’ve been exposed to in the past few years is what the rest of my life is going to be like. I want something different, and I will get it. I don’t have to live for other people anymore or by their terms and conditions. I can’t wait.